Janet C. (kadiera) wrote,
Janet C.
kadiera

some thoughts on infertility

I'm sure y'all thought you were done hearing from me on this subject now that we're expecting. You were wrong.

Thing is, being pregnant doesn't erase 5 years of trying, or the heartache of numerous failures, or the feeling that if I'd known it would be this hard, I should have started sooner, because now I've wasted all that time where we could have already had children. 

It doesn't erase nearly a decade and a half of knowing that it'd be an issue that I'd have to face. 

It doesn't erase the indigities of dozens of medical appointments, of technicians asking stupid questions, of being required to take a pregnancy test before procedures when I was there for the procedure because I couldn't get pregnant. 

It doesn't erase to stupid comments of random strangers, or even worse, from family and friends, all of whom felt it was their duty to encourage us to have children, or to chastize us for our choices along the way.

It doesn't erase the feeling of being broken - because obviously, something  finally worked; why couldn't it have been that easy all the previous times? Or the fear that the brokenness is not over, and that something will go wrong with the pregnancy because I wasn't supposed to get pregnant anyway.

Mostly though...it doesn't change the fact that after this child, if we want another, it's a near certainty that we'll get right back on the tread mill and start all over again...

Tags: infertility
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